Herbie Doesn't Like to Make Toys

I can't help but think of Christmas movies this cool Michigan summer morning. In one of my favorite scenes from Rudolph, Herbie the Elf labors without purpose in an assembly line for toys. "Herbie doesn't like to make toys" spreads down the elf gossip line in astonishing fashion. Boss Elf proclaims with passion, "Now listen here, you're an elf, and elves make toys! Now get to work."  Herbie solemnly begins his "misfit aria" with rejected slump in his walk.

Everyone has value and something of value to offer others. Herbie discovers this in his journey and his value is celebrated in dramatic fashion towards the end of the movie as he famously removes the teeth of a giant white beast. Herbie's once downtrodden gait is now replaced with steps of hope and purpose. Hope ignites confidence. Where others see a vicious monster, Herbie sees opportunity to use his unique gifts.

I love Herbie. He didn't stay in the world of "this is what you should do/be." He did not pretend to be something he wasn't. He refused to work silently day after day conforming to another's expectations. He boldly chose to step out into the unknown. He weathered the winter storm and made amazing friends in the process. He made a way for other "misfits" to find hope and purpose. Way to go, Herbie!

And then there's the part of the movie towards the end where I secretly wish Rudolph would go off on Santa. But that's another journal entry...

Running the Race

Hebrews 12:1

"...and we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us."

I love to run. I love the feeling of my leg muscles stretching into a beautiful stride and steady rhythm.  I love feeling the cool breeze blowing in from Lake Michigan and I love hearing the sounds of white caps lapping against the lighthouse. So with arms pumping and lungs taking in glorious air I took off today with a little over 2,000 runners to "enjoy" a 5K. 

Today's race surprised me. Hundreds of people stood cheering along the route. Some clapped, some rang cow bells, but all stood cheering the weary tired bodies running past to victory. When I came to the first steep incline a spectator yelled, "You can DO this! It's just a hill! You are strong! You have the strength you need! Just focus on the top!" Groups of volunteers eagerly awaited our arrival with water ready so we could continue the run well hydrated. And near the end the cheering became louder. Music blared. I felt so uplifted in the energy given to finish strong.

But my most blessed of moments came when I heard the gentle coaching of a dad or mom with a beginning runner. The words of support and guidance touched my soul. 

"Don't forget to breathe, son."

"This hill looks steep, but remember what I taught you, you can do this."

"I'm right here if you need to stop."

The power of an encouraging word was not lost on me today. With feet pounding the pavement I gave thanks to God for the spiritual similarities to my physical journey. Did the clappers and the bell ringers have any idea of how they helped me to continue with head held high? Did those passing out
water have a clue as to how thankful I was for that cold cup of water at just the right time? Did those
lining the street know how my fears of going off course were conquered? And dear parent, did you know the depth of your symbolic gesture, running a race with your child?

I want to be that encouraging spectator in a large race. I wish to be a part of helping a runner get rid of anything slowing him or her down. Keeping our eyes on Jesus, pointing the way to Him, the Completer of our race. Standing in the gap, so no one runs off course. Never giving up! Just keep
going! The road seems long, the hill impassable. But we must not become discouraged or give up. He runs with us. He's our assurance of strength and purpose!

The finish line approaches, and thanks to a little time keeping chip in my shoe, I'm only aware of my
own personal start and finish. Yours will be different, but finish strong and encourage someone else
along the way! 

Don't Fence Me In (Thanks Roy Rogers)

Psalm 18:19

When I was fenced in, You freed and rescued me because You love me.

I never learned how to truly connect. Busy doing "the work of The Lord," yes. Making people feel good/better/encouraged after being with me? Yes. Not allowing negative emotions when in the presence of others? Yes. Obeying all authority? Yes. Sharing, giving, being kind with family? Yes. Sacrificing? Yes. Performing well? Yes. Yes. Yes. 

All of the above were a huge part of my relational patterns. Meeting all the expectations, traumatizing at times. Truly and authentically connecting with others? Well, never. When you are busy teaching the given lesson, singing the given song, wearing the given attire everything is so "surfacey." Throw into the mix being dragged into unhealthy toxic situation after unhealthy situation, no wonder I never connected.

But my heart desperately wanted to connect. So I tried. I tried in the only way I knew how, becoming or doing whatever I needed in order to attach myself to another's link. Sometimes I thought I could do this by becoming more spiritual. Sometimes I thought I could do this by making myself more attractive,smart, or available to others. I literally had zero boundaries on my time. 

But I couldn't connect, and I spent years trying. It makes me sad to think of all the hours, weeks, months I tried using every strategy I knew how. I was fun, popular, involved, and well rewarded from others tossing links my way - but no connection. Instead of belonging I found myself wrapped in the poisonous linking chains of fear, loneliness and panic. I cried out to God.

And He heard me. The earth shook. The mountains trembled. He came with a key. He unlocked the lock holding the destructive links in place and they fell to the ground. I heard a clicking sound. I looked up to see the source of the sound that I still remember and cherish to this day. It was Him, fastening my uniquely given link to the link of His heart. It was fastened firmly, safe and secure. I had a connecting relationship! One that can never be severed! In the sound of that one click I had a whole, complete, healthy connection! He reached down and lifted me up to satisfy my deepest craving. I now walk in a true relationship free from the traps of ropes, links, and suffocating fences. I am free to love (and connect) as I have been loved.

He Has Done a Beautiful Thing For Me

Matthew 26:10

"Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing for me."

No, my Gentle Shepherd, it is You who has done a beautiful thing for ME. Remember our chat upon  entering "that" city? Do you remember what they looked like - the cesspool of emotions awaiting my return?

You: Go ahead, talk to them.

Me: Really? 

You: Yes. It's OK. Go. Talk.

I can't believe I'm facing them. Feeling His gentle touch on my back, I start weeping. He's telling me it's OK. He's there. I look back into His eyes one more time and take a deep breath. I start talking to them. One by one by one.

"Hello, loneliness, I left you here and I've returned. I need to talk to You. You need to hear my voice. I didn't know how to handle you before. I didn't know how to deal with you. I didn't have words. I have them now. I no longer wish to be enslaved by your presence. I choose to no longer be controlled by your constant threatening cloud. I am safe and secure, NEVER alone. I choose to no longer hide behind your despairing walls, thinking myself a coward. I choose to walk confidently hand in hand with my Saviour. And now to you, loneliness, I say goodbye."

Me: How did I do? 

You: You did great. Keep going. There's more.

So I stood a little taller and faced them. 

"Hello fear, you've been waiting for me a while, even set up camp at the border of the city. "

"Hello nervous anxiety, hello worry, hello panic, hello anger, hello bitterness, hello indecisiveness, hello ill-at-ease, discomfort, heavy hearted one, depression, sadness, cheerlessness, joyless one. Hello moodiness, discouraging one, unhappiness."

"Hello hurt. You were a big one. You crept into a church and caught me by surprise. You broke my heart. I was crushed. I have agonized over what happened with you. I no longer wish to suffer at your hands. The Hands I now hold are caring, restful, healing Hands." 

I pause, breathe, and glance.

You: There are more.

Me: Um, nope. I don't think so, that just about covers it.

You: There are more. Keep looking.

He nudges me forward. I look. It's not clear. It's fuzzy. He hugs me. He holds me. The more securely He hangs on the more I notice my grip has loosened. I'm falling weakly to the ground. He's got me, and it's a good thing. My strength is gone. It's zapped by what I now clearly see around the corner. There they stand, hand in hand as best friends. My body may be weak, but I have not lost my voice. I am so closely held now that I feel the power and steady rhythm of His heart beating.

"Performance, performance, performance. You and your law could be so much fun at times, a blast. Anywhere I went with you brought festivity and animation. You enamored me with all the affirmation I received by following you. You talked me into a few roles I did not want, and you even
cast me for characters in plays that did not match the real, unique me. But I had to perform. The show must go on, right? We didn't want to disappoint anyone. And that's when you introduced me to your sidekick, conditional love. "

"Conditional love, I am so very, very glad that I get to say goodbye to you today. I am pleased to announce that you have officially been replaced. You NEVER satisfied the hole in my soul. You never inspired me. I was not content with you. I was quite uncomfortable. You never inquired about the real me. The real me never fascinated you. You were not concerned about me, you were concerned about my relationship with your BFF, performance. Well, we now have parted ways. Time for me to say the same to you, Goodbye."
I'm standing on my feet. I'm smiling. He's smiling, too!
Me: Thank You, Unconditional Love. You: Now, go in peace.
And today I offer the peace back to Him as an offering of praise!

Accessing the Calm

"Ask the Saviour to help you,

Comfort, strengthen and keep you;

He is willing to aid you,

He will carry you through!"

I picture myself in the boat, waves crashing, smacking the wood boards. Will we sink?  My heart is pounding. I hate storms. Dark clouds roll in, winds cause my hair to sting my face. I am so very scared. I do not want lightening to find me. Will I drown? I'm shaking. And then comes the ghost. Really? There is more to this terrifying nightmare? Why did I make the choice to be out in a boat today?

Others are now yelling at me out of their own fear.

"Didn't you check the weather forecast?"

"Shame on you, others followed your example! They only came because of you!"

"You should have known better than to wear..."

"This is your mess. Hope you've learned your lesson."

He whispers. I can feel His breath. He holds on with both arms and starts to stroke my hair. I realize that I have buried my face in His chest to block the sounds of the raging storm and voices. I feel His scratchy wet robe, but it is oh, so comforting. I think I hiccup a couple times amidst sobs. 

And then I remember the other passengers. I must get up and get the life jackets.

"Shshsh... Be still...I love them so much. For now leave them to me. You stay."

And then I remember the flares. I must get them. I'm the only one who knows where they are.

"Shshsh...Be still...You are safe. Trust. Rest. I am here. Others will see Me. They will see your trust and assurance. They will want the same peace. For now focus on the resting. Breath, relax, lean fully on Me." 

And the seas went calm.

Don't Feed the Dragons

Once upon a time there was a happy little prince who lived a cheery little life in his merry little castle. He was brave, bold, and fearless...

Except when it came to dragons.

"I know," said the prince, eager to venture outside the castle, "I will play with the dragons. They will be my friends."

The dragons were pleased. So they came back the next day, and even brought curious friends.

With all the fun and play, the dragons had worked up an appetite. The jolly prince was hesitant to leave his castle. He could not ignore the dragons forever, so the overwhelmed prince tried his best to keep them busy.

So he fed them,

And fed them,

And fed them.

Sadly, the enthusiastic dragons did not go away, they only grew bigger and stronger.

The prince felt safe from attack as long as the dragons were satisfied with his efforts to feed them. Yet in feeding the dragons, the prince missed out on other things he would rather be doing. The disappointed prince did not want to spend all of his time feeding dragons, but there were just to many to please.

Upset and sullen, the tired prince retreated to the security of his castle walls. No dragons begged for his attention there. No fun. No adventures. No voice.

But one day the dragons were no longer content to wait outside the castle.

Knowing that a dragon in a castle would not be a good idea, the prince spoke, "Now listen up dragons, let me be clear, there is no room, no room in here. No room for dragons of any kind. Don't try to come in. I've made up my mind."

"I live in this castle - I have a voice. No dragons may enter and that is my choice!"

At the sound of the prince's voice, the dragons began to shrink...
And shrink,
And shrink.

Wishing for more food and fun, the dragons intently replied, "We hear you, prince, you have been clear. We want to wait, so we'll stay here. We have grown smaller, and we are kind. There's room for us. Please change your mind."

But the prince did not change his mind. He felt good about the value of his voice. He felt good about standing up for himself.

As his voice grew louder, the dragons became smaller. And the smaller they became, the more the prince realized the power of his voice.

He no longer feared the dragons. He just stopped feeding them.

The End

Red Wine

I remember walking in the local grocery store wondering if all shoppers that day knew of my mission. I was going to buy my first bottle of wine. Little did I realize the variety of bottles that would be awaiting my decision. Did I dare ask someone for help? Embarrassing. Purchasing my very first bottle was not nearly as exciting as I had anticipated. I ended up grabbing something that had a familiar city and "sweet" in its name.

I remember thinking at checkout how cool it was that wine bottles have their own little paper bags, but how uncool it was that I needed my ID. Digging in my wallet meant more time standing at the register. More time at the register meant more opportunities for people to see my purchase. Never once did it occur to me that buying a bottle of vino was quite normal.

Amazingly enough I have survived days, weeks, months on very little sleep. Sleeping pills, warm milk, herbs have all made their way through my body. I've tried running myself to death, praying myself to sleep and counting sheep. I had never tried the wine experiment. Searching the cabinets I asked myself, "Coffee mug or dinner glass?"

My husband tells the story of finding me later, blissfully dreaming on the couch. Apparently my right arm was draped carelessly over the edge, coffee mug hanging on for dear life by nothing more than my pinky finger. I was absorbed in sleep, completely unaware of the courageous little dangling porcelain container.

Thanks to a godly counselor I now am sleeping much better, but I smile when I hear my husband tell of my desperate attempt to rest. When I hear him recall the memory of finding me that evening, I am transported into a place in time where I could not do anything, say anything, or be anything other than a confident, content sleeper. I rested well.

The confident, content "me" that rested securely on the couch that evening now rests in my Abba's love. I like the confident, content "me" who, amidst stares and whispering voices that my question my motives, feels empowered to make choices. Each choice I make reflects a unique "me" creatively designed and planned by God. That is enough to allow rest, to allow hope.

I choose to hope, knowing that nothing can separate me from His love. I choose to hope, resting in His unconditional love. I choose to hope, and that is a decision I can both live - and sleep with. Even now there is hope.