Don't Fence Me In (Thanks Roy Rogers)

Psalm 18:19

When I was fenced in, You freed and rescued me because You love me.

I never learned how to truly connect. Busy doing "the work of The Lord," yes. Making people feel good/better/encouraged after being with me? Yes. Not allowing negative emotions when in the presence of others? Yes. Obeying all authority? Yes. Sharing, giving, being kind with family? Yes. Sacrificing? Yes. Performing well? Yes. Yes. Yes. 

All of the above were a huge part of my relational patterns. Meeting all the expectations, traumatizing at times. Truly and authentically connecting with others? Well, never. When you are busy teaching the given lesson, singing the given song, wearing the given attire everything is so "surfacey." Throw into the mix being dragged into unhealthy toxic situation after unhealthy situation, no wonder I never connected.

But my heart desperately wanted to connect. So I tried. I tried in the only way I knew how, becoming or doing whatever I needed in order to attach myself to another's link. Sometimes I thought I could do this by becoming more spiritual. Sometimes I thought I could do this by making myself more attractive,smart, or available to others. I literally had zero boundaries on my time. 

But I couldn't connect, and I spent years trying. It makes me sad to think of all the hours, weeks, months I tried using every strategy I knew how. I was fun, popular, involved, and well rewarded from others tossing links my way - but no connection. Instead of belonging I found myself wrapped in the poisonous linking chains of fear, loneliness and panic. I cried out to God.

And He heard me. The earth shook. The mountains trembled. He came with a key. He unlocked the lock holding the destructive links in place and they fell to the ground. I heard a clicking sound. I looked up to see the source of the sound that I still remember and cherish to this day. It was Him, fastening my uniquely given link to the link of His heart. It was fastened firmly, safe and secure. I had a connecting relationship! One that can never be severed! In the sound of that one click I had a whole, complete, healthy connection! He reached down and lifted me up to satisfy my deepest craving. I now walk in a true relationship free from the traps of ropes, links, and suffocating fences. I am free to love (and connect) as I have been loved.